Kent/Feldspar

[videointhenoise]

"Just once more," they had said when Ellie's team petitioned for it. She was busy with Palmer, falling in love with science while he fell in love with God, and Kent was left to pick up the pieces. He wanted another damn go at it. The Machine had a pricetag in the billions; it was begging to be used again.

But they wouldn't let Ellie go. They wouldn't let just anyone go. They wanted someone who knew how it worked, who had been there from the beginning, but someone who isn't completely taken in by Ellie's words.

That leads them to a dozen people and they end up with Kent. He's blind, but that's not what decides it. They claim that he wouldn't hallucinate the way Ellie did. That he has a unique perspective.

And, he's already proven himself steady and loyal.

He experiences it all the way that Ellie does, but something goes wrong on the other end. Maybe another terrorist attack. Maybe not. All he knows is that he's in the sphere and then, suddenly, he's floating, unable to find his footing until a great crash and he slams into the bottom of the machine.

He groans, pulling his helmet on with a grunt and a wince.

"Fuck this," he mutters, finding the edge of the sphere with his hands. There was a door there somewhere. He just - has to find it.

Comments

[getfeldsparred]

They don’t wait for anymore permission than that and quickly fall into a deep sleep. There isn’t any tossing or turning or moaning, no fevers, just stillness.

They dream of tall trees on Brittle Hollow and cyclones picking up their broken ship and tossing them aside. The dream shifts and they’re dipping their feet in the water while Kent sits beside them resting Lapis on his knee. The waterfall is loud and Spinel is singing their terrible fishing song while Gneiss plucks at the strings of a banjo. Kent says something and they both laugh so hard that Kent nearly drops Lapis, Feldspar quickly reaching out to catch the little hatchling.

It might have been a memory. It might not have. Either way, for the first time in a long while Feldspar wakes with a smile on their face.

[videointhenoise]

Kent sleeps a while but it's not a deep sleep. He wakes on every small noise, every movement, but he's - relieved to see that Feldspar seems to have calmed down.

He hears them stir in the morning and he sits up a little. "Hey Felds... you awake?"

[getfeldsparred]

Felds. Maybe Kent called them that earlier, but it didn’t really register. They smile softly and turns to look at him.

“Yeah, I am. Did you stay with me all night?”

[videointhenoise]

"Course I did," he mutters, reaching up to rub at his eyes. "My place is right here with you. That didn't change."

[getfeldsparred]

Feldspar glances away from Kent to look around the room, finding it empty except the two of them. Lapis must not have stayed, but that makes sense. They’re not a hatchling anymore.

They missed all those years of their life.

“I should try to show my face today.”

[videointhenoise]

"You can if you want," he says. "Or you can spend one more day with me. Really with me..."

Talking or sitting or actually addressing those fears.

[getfeldsparred]

Really with him. It’s a terrifying prospect, and Feldspar holds their tongue for a moment.

They missed him. They thought about him every day. The least they could do was try to engage with him instead of pretending nothing was wrong and then having a complete screaming breakdown.

“Yeah, we could do that too,” they say, taking his hand.

[videointhenoise]

He smiles gratefully and moves into the chair, his fingers threading through his hair. "I just - want to be with you. I've missed you."

An understatement.

[getfeldsparred]

“I missed you too.”

Also an understatement. They kept fighting to stay alive so long was partially from their own stubbornness to outlive the damn anglerfish, but mostly because this is what they owed Kent. Their life wasn’t their own; it hadn’t been for years.

“I never thought I’d see you again.”

[videointhenoise]

He lets out a soft breath. "We - buried you. Well, the village did. I couldn't go. I didn't."

[getfeldsparred]

Buried them. It makes sense. Feldspar imagines Hornfels, Slate and Gossan spent forever debating whether to call off the search for them or keep going.

They’re glad they buried them. The search couldn’t have continued forever, and what if someone got hurt or even died because of them?

“I’m sorry I made you go through that. I really am, Kent.”

[videointhenoise]

"Baby."

He holds a hand out, not knowing is Felds will let him take theirs. "I'm sorry you had to endure it."

For all his overwhelming grief, he had support.

[getfeldsparred]

Feldspar does stare at Kent’s hand for a long beat or two before they finally take it, frowning as they run their large thumb over his delicate knuckles.

Older, yes, his knuckles more work and brown from the sun, but still so foreign and so, so pretty.

“When I was younger I always assumed that’s probably how I’d go,” they admit quietly. “Some accident out in the vastness of space. I still did even when I met you…I knew what I was like, the things I needed to chase to feel fulfilled. But I didn’t think it was gonna that way when I left for Giant’s Deep that morning. I thought I’d be back.”

They take a slow, pained breath in. “Used to just wander all the time without worrying. Then I went to the Bramble, and when I crashed this time there was no getting out. I really thought that was how I was gonna spend the rest of my life, y’know? Trapped in the mouth of an anglerfish with only my harmonica for company, and you’d never find out what happened to me.”

[videointhenoise]

He nods. "I know," he says because he does. He knows what Feldspar is like and he never doubted that he wanted that grand adventure. Kent loved him for that.

"Nothing is going to take that away."

[getfeldsparred]

Feldspar tips their head forward, still cling to Kent’s hand but no longer able to look at his face.

“How long was it before you realized I wasn’t coming home?”

[videointhenoise]

"Never," he says softly, admitting it only to him. "I always had hope. I had nothing but hope sometimes."

[getfeldsparred]

“That’s so much worse.”

They bring their free hand up to rub at their head, feeling scars that are new to them now that they’re without their helmet for the first time in years.

“I didn’t realize how long I’d be gone until I saw Lapis. Time’s…fucked up in the Bramble. No day or night. In stasis but always kinda changing.”

[videointhenoise]

He puts a hand on his arm.

"Why didn't you...end it?" he mutters and the thought makes him sick.

[getfeldsparred]

Feldspar, who is nothing but skin and bones, manages to not jerk themselves away by reminding themselves that it’s been his touch they’ve been missing.

“I dunno,” they say quietly. “Guess cuz that ain’t something I’d ever do. Feldspar the Great and all, all I do is fight and survive despite overwhelming odds, right?”

They fall quiet.

“It was kinda peaceful after a while too. Once you resign yourself to living the rest of your life in isolation, it ain’t so bad. And maybe…maybe a clever pilot might find me one day. A better pilot than me.”

[videointhenoise]

"They did," he reminds them. "Lapis. Who became a pilot because of you. Who loves you. Who - wanted to he just like you," he reminds them.

[getfeldsparred]

Lapis. It was Lapis who found them deep in the Dark Bramble, even if they can’t remember it. It was Lapis that found this place now; it was Lapis who saved them all.

“Who’s a better pilot and Hearthian than me,” Feldspar tells him sincerely, and with more than a little pride in their voice. “Best there ever was.”

[videointhenoise]

"Because you raised them. Because you love them."

He breathes out.

[getfeldsparred]

“I do.”

Their vision starts to blur around the edges. Damn it, they’re crying again.

“Do…they still love me?”

[videointhenoise]

"Of course they do," he says and he pulls them into another embrace. "What a stupid question."

He knows it isn't. It just...is.

[getfeldsparred]

Is a stupid question really? Lapis was young when they disappeared, and knowing what they probably did about their crash landing how could they not feel abandoned?

“Do you still love me?”

They don’t feel like that’s a stupid question either.